don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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