i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
