At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
