Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
