cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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