i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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