if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
