I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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