At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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