Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
