I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I've blown a few things in my day
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
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