did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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