I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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