This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
