the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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