so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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