I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
