Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
