I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
