haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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