You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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