I heard we made out
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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