lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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