he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
