I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
wanna go halves on a baby?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
