I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
