Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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