im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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