Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
is wine microwaveable?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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