hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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