dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
