I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
