I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
