the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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