checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
