if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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