Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
