if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
