i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
