I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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