Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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