My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
