I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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