just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
