Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I supernannyed him into submission
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
