Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
