when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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