It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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