I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
