Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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