Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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